A Different Kind of Love - is it true?

This article really tore at me. It's called "Adoption - A Different Kind of Love" and was featured in the Sydney Morning Herald yesterday. It's really well written with no judgements or assumptions made that I can see.

Nevertheless, if you're like me and do not yet have your adopted child (still waiting) it might make you worry.

I've always been a nurture (vs. nature) person and my husband is the same. All of the conversations we have had with each other and with friends and family have been to educate them and us on the importance of not looking at our adopted child in a 'different' way, that they should be treated the same as biological kiddos and therefore just as wanted. The alternative, for us, is unacceptable and we have always been of the mindset that our child will be our child in the full sense of the word. That biological doesn't have a part to play and that it's not going to make any difference anyhow.

These parents in the article, and there are many examples, have been very honest about their feelings towards their bio and their adopted children.

Some are painfully honest (wonder how their kids feel/would feel about reading this??) about how their bio kids are 'more loved' and they would do anything/feel more for the bio kids and not so much in the same way for the Adopted kids. Ouch!







Other parents state how they don't feel the difference at all. They see their kids as their kids, regardless of how they came to their family.

The main difference, from my perspective, can only be in how the parents are wired. Let me explain. We are all different, have different upbringings ourselves, different parenting techniques were what brought us up, we have different ways of approaching human relationships, romantic relationships, how we treat strangers as opposed to how we treat people we know, and whether we take more than we give most of the time or the opposite. All of these subtle historical events (and more) that shape who we are right now, have a part to play in how we then go on to treat our own kiddos and what we teach them. Not that one set of people is "better" than the other, or more deserving of children. We are not clones and therefore can't be expected to have the same life perspectives.

It's difficult to get across the length and breadth of what I am trying to say here (so I hope I'm making a little sense) but my theory on why there differing reactions to our adoptive children is just the above. We are all wired differently, make different and often subconscious choices about how we will approach life. Hence, we have different reactions to the same or similar situations.

I'm open to suggestions and keen to read and talk about all sides of the story but I still can't see that there is one definitive answer to this question of nature vs. nurture.

Now if I could just get my comments link to work so you *could* respond then we could have a great discussion!

Kim
Waiting 17 months for our baby Anytime now, I hope.

Changing gears for arrival of kiddo number one

There has been a lot of changes in our life recently. As we inch closer and closer to receiving notification that our child is waiting for us in Thailand, subconsciously I'm planning.

Scotty is the more relaxed, patient and calm type who will take things as they come along. Me, I'm a planner. Thank god that he's the practical one, he grounds me so I don't float away with all of the plans!

In the last 2 weeks we've heard some great news. One couple have received a referral from Thailand after waiting 11 months. Another of our friends has been updating us with news of their little guy from Taiwan - who is doing splendidly having been home with his new Mum and Dad a couple of months now. He's 8 months old, this little one, and I can't wait to meet him and have a little snuggle. What fortunate parents you guys are!

Anyhow, the point to all of this is that things are changing.

Just under two weeks ago I resigned from Qantas after being there just over 6 years. A huge step for me but one that was necessary considering I'd been wanting to put myself into a position where I can be working from home, have a more flexible schedule with our future child in mind but still earn so that our standard of living doesn't dip drastically.

I've wanted this for as long as I can remember, to work for myself, to give employers the old flick.

Then, along came Travel Counsellors, the franchise. All setup for a Travel Agent, working from home for myself but with the support of Head office with the payments, receipting, back office stuff, marketing, ticketing, moral support and numerous other very important facets that are imperative when you're starting a new business. They do everything that's needed except for servicing my clients - that's my pleasure and my speciality! Unfortunately they don't do my tax but you can't have it all, I guess.

So, suddenly I find myself in charge of how much I make each week, free as a bird, able to watch the Olympics (yaay!) and be here to create a really great relationship with my clients, anytime they have need to call me.

This point about creating a relationship with my clients is something that just wasn't possible or encouraged at Qantas. Being in an environment such as I was, the importance was on getting through as many client bookings a day as we could and not so much on the quality of the interaction. After all, we weren't travel agents, we were Reservations.

So from quantity I move into quality. I like it, I like it a lot!

Not to mention I can now cook my husband dinner every night (when I was night shift I rarely got to do that), spend time with our dogs and take them walking up the mountain every day (they love this), I don't have to travel an hour to work every day (we live out of town) and my quality of life has improved immensely. It's the best decision I've ever made in my working career!

I'm loving the difference.

Shameless Plug Ahead :
Need a travel agent or know someone who does?
Call me on 03 62663800 or email kim.magrath@travelcounsellors.com.au

(Even if you're not in Australia, I can still make your booking quite happily and easily!)

Kim

xo

Real mothers

This evening I've been browsing through some different adoption blogs on wordpress.com and have come across a particularly relevant post for adoption, relating to adoptive and birth mothers who have surrendered their child.

The author writes about 'authentic' mothers. I find this an excellent term to describe 'real mothers'. In fact, I haven't heard a better description.

This post is relevant to children of adoption, of course, but further than that it also incorporates a description that anyone could apply to a biological mother. Giving birth to a child that you then bring up to adulthood by definition doesn't make one an authentic mother. A birth mother and a biological mother for sure but not always an 'authentic' mother.

By personal definition, Authentic mothering for the author (and also for me) has more of an expectation attached to the actions performed and subtle, but highly relevant, mental effect on the relationship between mother and child.

Read for yourself and see what you think ... here's the post

"Juno" - a movie about adoption

Zhang Empresses. 10 yr old Chinese adoptees living in Sweden. Their story.

"Growing up surrounded by blond, blue-eyed children in Sweden, Chinese adoptees Alice, Mimmi, Nanna and Linnéa always felt different. The girls were adopted on the same day from the same orphanage but – having moved abroad as babies – they don’t speak Mandarin and have no concept of their native country. Now ten years old, they are returning to China for the first time. What will they make of their homeland? A moving look at identity ..."

I watch the first ten minutes of this DVD on Youtube and as far as I can tell, this would be a useful video for any adopted child to sit and watch when they start to ask questions that we adoptive parents just cannot answer. The DVD was only released in Feb of 2007 so it is quite new.

To watch the first 10 mins of the DVD ... go here
To buy the DVD ... go here

Phu My Orphanage, Vietnam. Now where are my tissues ...

Questions about the next stages

This info has been found on other websites and is not my opinion or fact - just an overall generality of a situation that can vary quiet widely.

These are some answers to often asked questions about Thai adoptions. I won't say they apply to *all* situations (because I doubt they do!) however the process after arrival in Thailand does seem to be similar, if not the same, for most countries.

Who are the typical children placed? 12-24 month old children or older if requested. They come from various orphanages - some in Bangkok and others in Pattaya and possibly others that I do not know the names. Thailand’s adoption center prefers to look for families or relatives in Thailand to adopt the children, and they typically hold the child for up to a year before moving him to the international adoption list.

What kind of information will I receive on a child? You will receive a photo and some background information, but it is minimal. You will receive medical and developmental information, but it may not be updated. We are working on improving this. The children referred as healthy children are generally healthy, with no known medical conditions.

What are the parental requirements? You must be married; both you and your spouse must be between 25-45 years of age and must be at least 15 years older than the child to be adopted. Families who have no children are preferred, but they have accepted families with up to two children already in the family. Parents are preferred who have a college education.

What is the typical length of the process? The referral of a child can take up to 2 - 2.5 years (for Australians). Completing the adoption will then take 12 months.

Do you submit dossiers direct to the Thai Dept. of Social Development and Welfare (DSDW), to particular Thai child-placement organizations, or to both? Via your local government's adoption services in your state to the DSDW.

Do you work with pre-identified placements of waiting children, or placements of healthy young children? Children are matched by the Thai Adoption services in such a way that the child's needs are placed as a higher priority than the needs of a parent. That being said, the child is referred to the most suitable adoptive parents who can meet this child's needs.

What kind of support do you offer on the ground in Thailand? For Australians, you will find that you meet a Thai Social Worker on arrival in Thailand and accompanied to your child's orphanage for your first meeting. After that, it is generally up to you to navigate your way around for the following 10 days or so. There are several reputable Thai Co-ordinators (Miss Oh is highly spoken of by other Aussie parents who have BTDT) who can assist you whilst in Thailand.

What are the country program fees? The country fees appear to be non-existent on sending your file to Thailand - we didn't pay an application fee at all. Fees for Thailand start when you receive your referral but even then are quite minimal - you will need to cover any medicals that your child will have and possibly (although I have been told that this isn't necessarily the case always) you may pay for sponsorship of your child (food, health, clothing etc) between referral and bringing your child home.

There is a donation to the Thai orphanage that housed your child. I think it is something reasonable like USD$1000 but again it's not a certainty. Our Tassie adoption services really don't do Thai adoptions often enough to be up-to-the-minute with all fees.

There are really far more fees on the Australian side than anywhere else what with Department of Immigration (DIMIA) and things like that.

You will also need to travel within Australia to the nearest Thai Consulate to register your child within 6 months of arriving home and I know that we signed an undertaking agreeing that we will do so. Post adoption meetings for your SW to see how your child is doing start almost immediately after your arrival home.

What kind of information do you receive when you are matched with a child? Depending on your child's particular situation, possibly medical information (height, weight, etc.), his birth mother's name (this is rare) and the circumstances surrounding his placement for adoption. Oh! And a picture. The picture that we all hope and dream about!

What is it like to prepare the paperwork /dossier? The paperwork was very straightforward. Not a problem at all.

How long in advance do you receive notification to travel to Thailand and how do you prepare for travel? Anywhere between 3-4 weeks and maybe a bit longer. It doesn't seem too extreme.

What's a girl to do?

Hmmm, what to blog about today ...

It seems that waiting for our baby is coming quite easily (says she who has been waiting, oh, less than two weeks ... har har .. what patience!)

I actually doubt that our file is in Thailand yet. It had to first visit with the Thai consulate (in Australia!) so it's probably still sitting on a desk there. Hmmm, bit more of a wait yet I guess. Every now and then a little voice in my head says "could be any day, Kimbo, any day" and my stomach gives a lurch of excitement. Then I bounce back down to reality and take off those rose coloured glasses. Til the next time.

I've been wondering lately just how busy the Thai program will become now that China's program seems to be a touch overloaded. It will be interesting to watch as there are limited spots for Aussies adopting from Thailand - we don't get carte blanche to send off files.

Korea is down and out at least until 2008 I believe, China's overloaded, Ethiopia has a few more requirements than other programs, Hong Kong seems a mammoth program with hideous, complicated amounts of paperwork to wrestle with (according to our SW), India seems also to have a limited number of children being adopted overseas to Australia anyhow as well as a complicated program to work through, Lithuania is mostly for those of Lithuanian descent and a long-ish process I believe, Colombia is apparently an unknown for the most part, Fiji - nearly non-existent for referrals, South Africa is quite some way from actually starting, local adoption in Tassie is rare-ish, ... I don't know anything much about the Philippines, Bolivia, Taiwan or Chile but they could be interesting options.

I did see a little about the Kenyan program being worked on by our adoption departments here in Australia. I believe they did a recent visit to Kenya to talk over the intricacies. It seems, so far, that this won't be an 'easy' program to undertake, being that they require the adoptive parent/s to live at least 3 months in Kenya with the child before they confirm the adoption can go ahead and the new family can return to Australia.

That would certainly be an ideal situation to find yourself in though, for the child and for the new parents, if one had the financial ability to do so. What an amazing way to get to know the country of your child's birth intimately and maybe even the birth parents/extended family, if possible. I guess this would be hard for 90% of families from Australia though, especially if they have jobs or businesses to run back here at home.

Here I am thinking about our second adoption already and we haven't even brought our first babe home yet! Scott just shakes his head when I start on ...

Phyathai Babies' Home

http://www.bangkokpost.net/outlookwecare/28Aug2001_out75.html

The link above leads to an article on the Phyathai Babies Home in Thailand from 2001.

Over 300 kids live at the Phyathai Babies Home, which is always in need of donations, goods, and volunteers, not to mention adoptive and foster families.

http://www.phayathaibabieshome.com/pbh/default.asp

Name of organisation: Phyathai Babies' Home
- Contact person: Nonthinee Petpaisit
78/24 Phumwet Road, Bangtalat, Pakkret, Nonthaburi 11120 Thailand.
Tel: +66 (0) 2584-7254-55 Fax: +66 (0) 2584-7264
(from what I hear it is best to call this number at around 1pm Australian E.S.T. to get staff in the office)

Bank account information for donations: Thai Commercial Bank, Ramathibodi branch
Account Name: Phyathai Babies' Home Foundation.
Savings account number: 026-2-28911-5

Those who want to give donation should contact the orphanage first for specification of goods - powdered milk, nappies, toys, books etc.

Those wanting to volunteer for the Phyathai Babies' Home may contact the Non-Governmental Social Welfare Promotion Division on 02-281-3199 ext 660.

Those interested in adoption can contact the Child Adoption Centre on 02-246-8651 or 02-247-5084.

Waiting parents of children from China

At times I read a little about others who have adopted or are in the process of adoption from China. A lot has changed about the Chinese adoption process since we first started our adoption journey.

From what I can gather, the referral of children from China has slowed quite a lot, starting out last year to have a waiting time of about 7 months to what is now a current waiting time of 18 months. Quite a difference. In this particular month, April 2007, there is a 'rumour' that referrals are only being moved along by two days when normally the CCAA (China Centre for Adoption Affairs) refers close to a month or at the least 2-3 weeks at a time.

The major issues of these parents-to-be seems to be the lack of information they are receiving about why the wait has extended. There are many thoughts on what the reason could be but no-one really knows.

China seems to have said in the past that their priority is local adoptions of children to residents in China itself. That makes sense, of course, however there are other reports of local adoption fees in China being out of the range of a large proportion of Chinese couples who wish to adopt locally. Of course, there are the upcoming games in China and that may affect the wait somewhat. Perhaps a lot of referrals may be pushed through before/if the CCAA close for the games? Who really knows? Not me, that's for sure.

For the sake of all involved, I hope that some information is forthcoming.

Preparing our file to send to Thailand

Many of those who know we are adopting ask "any news yet?" in the hope that we have been referred our child. We wish it were that quick but, alas, there is still more paperwork to go.

Let me explain a little about what happens from now until we receive referral of a child ...

1. We will shortly receive the formal approval letter from the Adoption services department in Australia. Not to count our chickens before the letter arrives (or risk jinxing ourselves) but we have been verbally advised that we are approved as suitable adoptive parents from Australia's point of view.

We are over the moon of course and it's been a totally painless and actually very pleasant experience with thanks to the efficiency, experience and compassion of our caseworker *J* and the Director of Adoption Services here in Tasmania, *U*, who is very hands on in preparing her future adoptive parents to be ... well, adoptive parents.

Much time and effort is put into making sure we all understand what we are to be facing in future. As much as it would be nice to think it's all roses and sweetness, it's also going to include some trying and difficult times, given the start our child would have had and the many upheavals he/she would have been through so far.

2. The "List" ... of documents we need to send to Thailand and other important things we need to do with said documents. This file of documents will be sent off to Thailand sometime in April 2007, all things being equal. We have organised 90% of the docs already.

(Note for future parents to be: this is the list as supplied by Tasmanian Adoption services however it can (and does) change depending year of application, the state/country you are adopting from and your personal circumstances and may not be exactly the same for you)

• Completed Thai application form - witnessed and signed by public notary.
• Full original copies of birth certificates for both of us.
• Full certified original copy of marriage certificate.
• Certified copy of divorce decree - notarised by public notary.
• Statement of infertility from medical practitioner (that's me and PCOS).
• Statement of occupation and income on employer's letterhead for each of us.
• Statement of willingness to register the adoption with the Royal Thai Embassy in Canberra once the adoption is on it's way to being finalised. This means a plane ride to Canberra (no Thai Embassy in Tassie)
• Personal references commenting on character, family life, ability to care for a child from Thailand.
• Police conviction check.
• Photographs : 4 passport size of each of us and a separate sheet of photos of inside/outside of our home.
• Personal letter to Adoption Services in Thailand requesting placement of a child. Short version in formal style around 2 - 3 paragraphs. Signatures witnessed by public notary.
• Copy of each of our passports, also notarised by public notary.

3. Verification by Royal Thai Embassy: After we have compiled all of these things, which I'll do in the next two weeks (have 90% done already!), we'll motor on in to the DHHS and they will collate and check our handiwork, add their own homestudy report and send the lot off to the Royal Thai Embassy for verification.

Once verified, the file will be sent back to the DHHS to be sent, via courier, to Thai Adoption Services, Bangkok, Thailand.

4. We wait. And hope for a speedy referral.

We learn some basic Thai to be able to interpret and communicate with our child when the big day comes. We build cots (or my dad does). We baby-proof the house (and look for a house to buy that's bigger). We send positive energy off to Thailand that everything will go smoothly and that there are minimal bumps in the road (and that the current political atmosphere in Bangkok settles down a lot).

5. The Call ... One fine day, we will receive a phone call. We won't know it's coming because there are no timeframes for referral of a child from Thailand.

The adoption services there considers that it's more important to match the needs of the child with the most suitable parents for this particular child (we fully agree on this one) so one's file could languish in the adoption services offices in Bangkok for up to 2, maybe even 2.5 years, before we hear. Or, more exciting to think about, it could speed through and be matched pretty darn quickly. I love reading those stories! The quickest I've read about is 1 WEEK! Imagine that. I think I'd probably think our caseworker was having a joke at our expense if she called us with a referral after one week. Or even one month.

We will be advised of our child's sex, name, age, weight, height as well as whether they live in an orphanage or with foster parents and whatever other details are known. If we're lucky, we'll receive a photo. That's pretty normal from what I understand.

The other details depend a lot on the child's circumstances and what is known of their history. Some are just abandoned with no note, no information, not even a birthdate, maybe left in a market or on a street for someone to find and take to an orphanage. We won't know until we are told. If it is even known.

The particulars of our child's circumstances will not be shared with anyone and will be known only by Scott, myself and the adoption workers and our child, of course. We consider that, although people will be 'curious' about our child's story, that curiosity is not a justified reason for sharing such personal, and often painful, information. That is for our child to share when they get older, IF they choose to.

6. Accept referral of child by sending a letter back to Thai Adoption Services. From this point on, it will be very hard for us not to just jump on a plane and go meet our baby. We know who they are, we know where they are, we know how old they are and what they look like. I know Scott will be calm and patient but will I?

7. Await advice from Thailand that we are able to travel ... there are many things to be done on the Thai side of things before we can jet over to meet our child. Many medicals, visa applications, passport, setting a date for the Board Meeting in Bangkok (every second Wednesday are the only days they have these mandatory meetings), preparing the child to meet his/her new parents by showing them photos and giving them the care packages we will immediately send as soon as we have accepted the referral. And probably a myriad of other things that are organised also that I just don't have a clue about.

8. Travel Advice Arrives from Thailand ... well, happy days!, we will then be able to book our flight and just as soon as we can pack (I can be ready in 1 hour) we can fly, fly, flyyyyy to meet our baby.

9. Arriving in Thailand :

• Touchdown in Bangkok.
• Meet Thai Adoption Services Social Worker.
• Go to Orphanage/Foster home to meet child.
• Spend a week (roughly) getting to know our child and ensuring they are reasonably comfortable with who we are. About this .. this can vary from child to child. It means that the first day we could just go and play with them and then go back to the hotel for the night. Next day we could go and play for a bit longer, feed them, interact more. Next day, take them for an excursion. Next day they could be ready to come with us for good. OR they could be ready and willing to come with us from day one, like one little fellow that we know who had his backpack ready, waited in the lobby of the orphanage from 6am til 11am when his mum and dad arrived and just didn't want to leave their sight ever again!
  
• With our child, attend the Board Meeting in Bangkok to formalise the adoption.
• Soon after we will be given our child's passport and visa for travel and we are free to return home. However, we plan a shortish stay up north in Hua Hin at a resort there for swimming and relaxing together as a brand new family, free of the pressures of cooking, cleaning etc. for at least a few blissful days. On second thoughts, who am I kidding? I don't cook and clean anyhow. Well, not much ;)
  

10. Homecoming ... return home to Australia and settle into our lives together as a family. This will be a quiet and low pressure introduction for our little one into a brand new culture, smells, sounds, food, environment, family and we'll be laying low until they become a little more grounded and are feeling safe with us. Then, gradually, we will start to introduce one or two new people into our lives (grandma, grandpa, aunties, uncles, friends).

Whilst the homecoming will be super exciting for us, we will need to put off the excitement for our young one as it could all be too stimulating and overwhelming for them. Slowly, slowly, will be the motto.

If you've made it from the top to the bottom of this looooong post, kudos to you and thanks for visiting.

Kim xo

Pattaya Orphanage Video

Scouring youtube.com as I do every now and then I came across this video tonight after work. It is a video taken of the Pattaya Orphanage in Thailand.

The kids and their giggles and laughter and mischievousness would melt the hardest heart ...

A most confronting book & Hienous crimes on children

As we edge closer to the 'approval' stage of our adoption (approval from the Tasmanian adoption services to be suitable as adoptive parents, that is), I've been busily reading the mandatory books. The first one, "Adoption Parenting, Creating a Toolbox, Building Connections" was an excellent introduction to the many facets of parenting a child who has experienced more sadness and trauma in their first few years of life than most of us will in our entire lifetimes.

It has a lot of examples given by adoptive parents who have been-there-done-that (the BTDT's, as we call them in the adoption community) and provides useful information about the signs we newbies need to be looking out for, useful tools for fostering attachment with a child and all manner of details on all types of attachment disorders. I had no idea there were so many different categories of possibilities but when I got to thinking about it all, it really does make sense to be alert and informed.

Before we started the adoption process, we had no clue and had never thought really about how an adopted child can be affected by loss of the biological parents voice, smells, features and habits let alone loss of a culture, loss of family history, the trauma of upheaval in being moved from caregiver to caregiver (bio parents to foster parents - sometimes more than one set of foster parents - to orphanage to adoptive parents).

When you take a minute to think about that kind of effect on a child's life and compare it to the 'norm' - being born to your parents, knowing your parents, siblings and extended family and never needing to feel that you cannot trust them as you have only ever know them and them alone to care for you ... it really does hit home about why children of adoption are traumatized in many and varied ways and can stay that way for the majority of their lives if they are not shown how to 'be in a family', to trust that their parents will feed, clothe and protect them, be reassured that this is not a midway point until their next set of caregivers and so on.

Just the simple fact that a child who has spent any amount of time in an orphanage or social welfare institute may not know what it means to be part of a family and therefore doesn't have the skills to know how to interact when placed in a loving family.

That is the one thing that made me sit up and take notice and then to read more. Scott and I spend a lot of time these days just talking back and forward about the different methods for combating this possibility so that our child will grow into their teenage years and then into adulthood knowing how to interact on a relationship level with other people.

Can you imagine if you were born, placed for adoption and lived in an orphanage, moved to an adoptive family and no-one ever took the time or care to demonstrate to you, in a practical fashion, how a family loves each other, takes care of each other, shows affection, provides a safe haven in the home and the knowledge that no matter who the child grew up to be, no matter what choices they make, no matter how many mistakes they might make, that they will be able to turn to the safety of their family without fear of being cast out again?

This base level knowledge that the majority of us have as part of who we are is learned behaviour simply due to the fact that this is all we have ever known.

In the same way, a child who has lived a little or a lot of their life in an orphanage doesn't know anything but the survival instincts of those who have to compete for the attention of very few carers looking after a whole lot of kids, maybe they have to even compete for warmth and food depending on the standard of the orphanage.

The second book that is mandatory reading for us is "Attaching in Adoption - Practical tools for today's parents". This is the confronting book that the subject alludes to. There is a different depth to this book that can be a little scary in that it recalls real life children's experiences, including physical abuse, emotional and mental abuse, abuse by family members, by foster parents, multiple placements, extreme anger and severe disassociation disorders as a result of those crimes against children.

Some of these are going to be rare in the adoption community as thankfully not everyone's a predatory family member abusing a child from toddler years to early teens but it does give me insight into the possible traumas our child may have suffered prior to adoption.

Some days I just had to put the book down and walk away. I even found that one particular day, when the news was telling of the Romanian orphans living under the ground near drains and pipes, I was reading in this book a particularly grim experience a child had been subject to &, later that day if that wasn't enough, ended up talking to a mother of a child who had been abused for quite some time in their younger years. The mother was in complete denial about the seriousness of this and the severe effects on her child (now a very depressed and lonely individual). It was all I could do not to bellow at her to 'wake up woman!' and I found myself quite aggravated and immensely sad at the denial a human being is capable of, even when a family member is involved it still doesn't hit home that they must be there to do everything within their power to help address the effects of the abuse.

Normally, I am quite a positive person, with much to be happy about I don't have much cause for sadness. That day it took me quite a few hours to resolve the frustration and anger I felt. Even now, I just have to think of the conversation and tears come to my eyes.

It just goes to show, parents must keep their eyes and ears open for signs (and if you don't know what they are, read about them and find out!) that their child has suffered or is suffering some form of abuse, even from family members, as hard and as despicable as that is to stomach.

I know parents around the world have said this, in their millions, but if anyone, family or otherwise ever, ever contemplates this crime upon one of our children, or even a child that I know that is not my own, they should think again. Their life will not be worth living.

The Immense Loss of An Adopted Child ... Walk a Mile in Baby’s Booties

This is an excellent story to demonstrate the feelings of an adopted child after their initial loss of their birth parents, then the loss of their foster parents while they await adoption. It reveals the importance of the necessary adjustment period just following the adoptive parents arrival home with their new child.

Imagine for a moment ...

You have met the person you've dreamed about all your life. He has every quality that you desire in a spouse. You plan for the wedding, enjoying every free moment with your fiancée. You love his touch, his smell, the way he looks into your eyes. For the first time in your life, you understand what is meant by "soul mate," for this person understands you in a way that no one else does. Your heart beats in rhythm with his. Your emotions are intimately tied to his every joy, his every sorrow.

The wedding comes. It is a happy celebration, but the best part is that you are finally the wife of this wonderful man. You fall asleep that night, exhausted from the day's events, but relaxed and joyful in the knowledge that you are next to the person who loves you more than anyone in the world…the person who will be with you for the rest of your life.

The next morning you wake up, nestled in your partner's arms. You open your eyes and immediately look for his face.

But IT'S NOT HIM! You are in the arms of another man. You recoil in horror. Who is this man? Where is your beloved?

You ask questions of the new man, but it quickly becomes apparent that he doesn't understand you. You search every room in the house, calling and calling for your husband. The new guy follows you around, trying to hug you, pat you on the back,...even trying to stroke your arm, acting like everything is okay.

But you know that nothing is okay. Your beloved is gone. Where is he? Will he return? When? What has happened to him?

Weeks pass. You cry and cry over the loss of your beloved. Sometimes you ache silently, in shock over what has happened. The new guy tries to comfort you. You appreciate his attempts, but he doesn't speak your language-either verbally or emotionally. He doesn't seem to realize the terrible thing that has happened...that your sweetheart is gone.

You find it difficult to sleep. The new guy tries to comfort you at bedtime with soft words and gentle touches, but you avoid him, preferring to sleep alone, away from him and any intimate words or contact.

Months later, you still ache for your beloved, but gradually you are learning to trust this new guy. He's finally learned that you like your coffee black, not doctored up with cream and sugar. Although you still don't understand his bedtime songs, you like the lilt of his voice and take some comfort in it.

More time passes. One morning, you wake up to find a full suitcase sitting next to the front door. You try to ask him about it, but he just takes you by the hand and leads you to the car. You drive and drive and drive. Nothing is familiar. Where are you? Where is he taking you?

You pull up to a large building. He leads you to an elevator and up to a room filled with people. Many are crying. Some are ecstatic with joy. You are confused. And worried.

The man leads you over to the corner. Another man opens his arms and sweeps you up in an embrace. He rubs your back and kisses your cheeks, obviously thrilled to see you.

You are anything but thrilled to see him. Who in the world is he? Where is your beloved? You reach for the man who brought you, but he just smiles (although he seems to be tearing up, which concerns you), pats you on the back, and puts your hand in the hands of the new guy. The new guy picks up your suitcase and leads you to the door. The familiar face starts openly crying, waving and waving as the elevator doors close on you and the new guy.

The new guy drives you to an airport and you follow him, not knowing what else to do. Sometimes you cry, but then the new guy tries to make you smile, so you grin back, wanting to "get along." You board a plane. The flight is long. You sleep a lot, wanting to mentally escape from the situation.

Hours later, the plane touches down. The new guy is very excited and leads you into the airport where dozens of people are there to greet you. Light bulbs flash as your photo is taken again and again. The new guy takes you to another guy who hugs you. Who is this one? You smile at him. Then you are taken to another man who pats your back and kisses your cheek. Then yet another fellow gives you a big hug and messes your hair.

Finally, someone (which guy is this?) pulls you into his arms with the biggest hug you've ever had. He kisses you all over your cheeks and croons to you in some language you've never heard before.

He leads you to a car and drives you to another location. Everything here looks different. The climate is not what you're used to. The smells are strange. Nothing tastes familiar, except for the black coffee. You wonder if someone told him that you like your coffee black.

You find it nearly impossible to sleep. Sometimes you lie in bed for hours, staring into the blackness, furious with your husband for leaving you, yet aching from the loss. The new guy checks on you. He seems concerned and tries to comfort you with soft words and a mug of warm milk. You turn away, pretending to go to asleep.

People come to the house. You can feel the anxiety start to bubble over as you look into the faces of all the new people. You tightly grasp the new guy's hand. He pulls you closer. People smile and nudge one other, marveling at how quickly you've fallen in love. Strangers reach for you, wanting to be a part of the happiness.

Each time a man hugs you, you wonder if he will be the one to take you away. Just in case, you keep your suitcase packed and ready. Although the man at this house is nice and you're hanging on for dear life, you've learned from experience that men come and go, so you just wait in expectation for the next one to come along.

Each morning, the new guy hands you a cup of coffee and looks at you expectantly. A couple of times the pain and anger for your husband is so great that you lash out, sending hot coffee across the room, causing the new guy to yelp in pain. He just looks at you, bewildered. But most of the time you calmly take the cup. You give him a smile. And wait. And wait. And wait.

Adoption information on countries other than China.

I realised tonight that this blog is rather China-heavy and doesn't feature much on adoption from other countries.

I'll attempt to fix that :)